Don't Trust Me
by chocolate sage
Summary: Naruto invites his friends to his new play house. Trouble with Sakura arises soon after but Jiraiya has a solution to Naruto's premedicated conundrum. Song Fic.


My first one shot, enjoy?

XXX

"Wow it was sure nice of Naruto to of had invited us to come to the new place he opened up", said Jiraiya to Tsunade and the rest of the rookie twelve and a handful of sensei's.

"This place better be nice, I gave up a hair appointment with that fancy hair dresser from the west for this crap", growled an annoyed Sakura.

-Enter pub-

(Jiraiya spots Naruto flirting with a slutty looking waitress)

"Hey gaki I see you found yourself a nice lady", Jiraiya says.

"What lady", the waiter said turning around exposing Chouza

Jiraiya stuttered in apology.

Naruto pointed a finger at Jiraiya. "Hah, gotcha ero-sannin", Naruto hollered dispelling his bushin of Chouza.

"Damn brat", Jiraiya grumbled in embarrassment met by a loud chorus of laughter from everyone within earshot.

"Nice place you got here gaki", Anko said appearing from a large crowd.

"Thank Anko-chan, I did my best with this place, It took my life saving but it was damn well worth it. I already made enough to buy this place three times over and it's only been open for six hours"!

Iruka stole a glance at Anko, a glance that Jiraiya caught with a sleazy grin.

Jiraiya walked over to Iruka and elbowed his side. "Nice specimen you've got there, you guys fuck yet"?

Iruka turned red. "W-h-ha".

"Just kidding Umino, you're too easy", Jiraiya chuckled leaving a red Iruka to himself.

"SAKURA-CHAN", Naruto yelled jumping on top of table waving furiously to a familiar mop of pink 'away' from hi in the crowd.

_Shit._ Sakura thought to herself as Naruto approached weaving through the crowds like a confused tick.

"So SAKURA-CHAN HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PLACE SO FAR"? Naruto boisterously called out over the people talking.

"It's alright I suppose", Sakura answered back.

Naruto's mood downed slightly and he bit his lip. "So Sakura-chan", Naruto placed his hand behind his head nervously."Do you want to dance"?

Sakura looked at Naruto as if he just grew a second head. "Dance to what there no music dumb ass".

Naruto shrunk a little. "How about a drink, yeah, do you want something to drink Sakura-chan"?

Sakura gave Naruto a deceptively sweet look. "Um, sure Naruto can you get me one from the huge fridge way over there", Sakura said pointing to a cooler on the other side of the pub.

"SURE SAKURA-CHAN WHATEVER YOU WANT"! Naruto said already running to get his crushes beverage lest she die of thirst!

As Naruto run through the pub, he rammed into Jiraiya.

OOF. "What the fuck, oh it's you gaki what's the rush", Jiraiya asked.

"SAKURA-CHAN IS DIEING OF THIRST! I MUST GET HER A DRINK FROM THAT COOLER BEFORE SHE PASSES OUT!"

Jiraiya gave Naruto a frown as he spotted Sakura leaving the pub through the back exit opposite where she sent Naruto. "Slow your roll gaki, I think you should look over there", the toad sage said pointing to Sakura.

Naruto looked over and adorned a disappointed visage. "She wasn't really thirsty was she ero-sensei", Naruto asked hesitantly.

Jiraiya cocked his head to the side. "Damn you're slow if it took you this long to figure it out, what did you think she was playing a creative game of hard to get or some shit"?

Naruto gave Jiraiya a feeble nod.

Jiraiya sighed. "Gaki I think it's time I teach you about women."

Naruto shot him a questioning glance. "Is this the right time and place for something like this sensei"?

Jiraiya struck a pose. "ANY TIME AND ANY PLACE IS THE RIGHT TIME FOR THE FAIRER SEX THUS IS MY CREED OF THE IRRESISTABLE, UNRIVALED LADY KILLER THAT IS JIAIYA-SAMA"!

Naruto sweat dropped, along with several other random people present.

"Say gaki you got a microphone"?

"Yeah over there on the big stage, why"?

"TODAY YOU BECOME MAN"!

"How do I do that"?

"Through example…"

---

(Jiraiya hopped on stage dragging Naruto with him and shoved a paper into his hands)

Jiraiya grabbed a microphone and threw another to Naruto then started to speak. "Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls prepare to amazed by the ASWOME styling's of the great omega supreme JIRAIYA-SAMA AND HIS NOT QUITE AS AWSOME BUT STILL DECENT IN HIS OWN RIGHT NARUTO UZUMAKI!

The toad sannin moved the microphone away from his mouth briefly. "Gaki just read that and fallow along."

"But, these lyrics are…"

"Damnit gaki just think of this as training"

"But…"

"Gaki either you do this or you can forget about ever being my apprentice again! This is a right, of passage that I did with my sensei and the fourth did as well"!

"The fourth huh… YATTA I'LL DO IT ERO-SANNIN"!

"LET'S GET THIS PART GOING BABY"! Jiraiya yelled looking at Tsunade who gave him a knowing look.

_Jiraiya sang in a high pitched, hushed whisper:_

_Jiraiya: Black dress with the tights underneath  
_

-Points to Asuma making out with Kurenai-

_I got the breath of a last cigarette on my teeth  
and she's an actress (actress)  
-_Points to Ino-

_But she isn't got no need  
She's got money from her parents  
in a trust fund back east._

"Do it gaki", the toad summoned said cueing Naruto.

"Are you sure this is…"

"_DO IT"!_

Naruto sighed_: T, T, T, Tongues always pressed to your cheeks,  
while my tongue is on the inside of some other girls teeth.  
T, T, Tell your boyfriend_

_-Jiraiya points to Chouji ravaging a slab of ribs-_

_(boyfriend) if he says he's got beef,  
-Naruto gets kyuubified- __**That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him!**___

Jiraiya and Naruto: She wants to touch me, waoh oh.  
She wants to love me, whoa oh.  
She'll never leave me, whoa oh, whoa oh, oh oh, oh.  
Jiraiya-points to Tsunade: Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, Won't trust a hoe, 'Cause a Hoe won't trust me.

_-Tsunade gets pissed-_

_Naruto: She wants to love me, whoa oh.  
She'll never leave me, whoa oh, whoa oh, oh oh, oh_

_-Naruto innocently waves to Hinata spotting her in the crowd-_

_Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, Won't trust a hoe, 'Cause a Hoe won't trust me.  
_

_-Hinata faints-  
_

_-Naruto notices Sakura walk back into his pub-: _

_X's on the back of your hands,  
Wash them in the bathroom to drink like the bands,  
And the set list you stole off the stage,  
Has red and purple lipstick all over the page._

-Jiraiya pulls out a picture of Naruto's academy days: 

_Naruto stares dead at Sakura._

_B, B, B, Bruises cover your arms,  
Shaking in the fingers with a bottle in your palm  
-points back t o Hinata- And the best is no one knows who you are.  
Just another girl, alone at the bar.  
_

_Naruto and Jiraiya: She wants to touch me, whoa, oh,  
She wants to love me, whoa, oh  
She'll never leave me whoa oh, whoa oh, oh oh, oh  
_

_Jiraiya disappears into the crowd and freelances all the kunoichi present:_

_Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, Won't trust a hoe that won't trust me _

_She wants to love me, whoa oh  
She'll never leave me whoa oh, whoa oh, oh oh, oh  
_

_Naruto starts showing enthusiasm: Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, Won't trust a hoe that won't trust me.  
_

_-The kunoichi starts yelling in dignified outrage-  
_

_Jiraiya: Shush girls, Shut your lips.  
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.  
-The kunoichi start cursing and booing to drown out here male counter parts cheers-_

_Naruto: he said,  
Shush girl, Shut your lips.  
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.  
_

_Jiraiya: I said,  
Shush girls just shut your lips.  
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips._

Naruto and Jiraiya: 

_whoa oh, whoa oh, oh oh, oh_

_whoa oh, whoa oh, oh oh, oh_

_whoa oh, whoa oh, oh oh, oh_

_whoa oh, whoa oh, oh oh, oh_

She wants to touch me, whoa oh.  
She wants to love me, whoa oh.  
She'll never leave me whoa oh, whoa oh, oh oh.  
Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, Won't trust a hoe that won't trust me

_She wants to touch me, whoa oh.  
She wants to love me, whoa oh_

_Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, Cause a hoe won't trust a hoe that won't trust me_

Jiraiya takes a bow grabbing Naruto by the hair to making him fallow suit.

"THANK YOU THANK YOU, I'M HERE ON WESNDAYS AND SATURDAY'S! TRY THE VEIL"!

-Jiraiya takes Naruto backstage-

"And that's all you need to know about women gaki"

Naruto looked at the Sannin quizzically. "But I didn't learn anything about women ero-sensei, I still don't know anything."

Jiraiya grinned. "And that's all you'll ever need to know gaki"!

XXXX

I heard the song don't trust me by 30H!3 and thought why not?


End file.
